How Soon Is Now?
by kelly-gyneth
Summary: Ianto and Jack's relationship is fragile, to say the least. Teetering on the edge of shattering is more like it. A more 'realistic' account of Ianto and Jack's relationship, starting at Gwen's wedding. Spoilers so far to the end of Season II. Incomplete.
1. How Soon Is Now?

**AN: I've already tried once today to write my very first Torchwood fic. So far it has no direction so I'm leaving it alone and trying again. Put iTunes on shuffle. Write a fic based on the song. (I now spend a very long time trying to find a song that isn't a plot-centric show tune. Wow, had no idea how much of my iPod was show tunes. *yes I did*) Okay, from t.A.t.U., a cover of the song 'How Soon is Now?' originally by The Smiths. I heard once this song was used as the theme song for Charmed. Ohhh Ianto is here. Fun times.**

**UPTADE 7/25/09: I've fixed some typos/parts where I forgot what POV I was in. Thanks everyone for all the story faves! Thanks to you people, I'm considering writing some more 'Janto' song-fics and compiling them here. I would still appreciate a few reviews though, so if anyone has any pointers for me on how I can improve my writing, or even as bold as if you don't like my characterization of Jack (I'm really nervous about how I pull him off), leave a review!  
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**Torchwood Hub. Day before Gwen's Wedding.**

.........**  
**

_I am the son and the heir / Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar / I am the son and heir / Of nothing in particular_

_.........  
_

There's something oddly peaceful about keeping to myself in the tourist office every once in a while. Just organizing the pamphlets, keeping it tidy… reserved for when there isn't any other work to be done for the team, no dry cleaning to be done, no jackets that need to have yet another tear sewn up. It's just a time waster. Oh, and it's a splendid place to escape to when I'm… well, pissed off. I was alphabetizing the out-of-date information about the bus routes (we should probably update the material, just for appearances – every once in a while I do get a very lost tourist come in here looking for information on local niceties), keeping to myself. It was a good way to not think about a certain 'Captain'.

In traipses Mr. Tact himself, our resident corpse. "Oi." I looked up from my work, looking at Owen blankly. "I'm a bit peaky, and I'm getting tired of this bloody admin," he said with a huff, leaning against the doorframe of the entrance to the Hub, "so if you would just finish a bit up for me, that would be just lovely."

I couldn't help but give him a bit of an irritated look. "I'm a bit busy."

This caused Owen to look at me in disbelief, because obviously I never did anything around here. He walked briskly over to where I was, looking over my shoulder. "Organizing time tables?"

He had a point; it was an obviously unneeded task. But I _really _didn't want to go down into the Hub right now. "You know, we are a secret organization. And if we're going to keep it that way, we have to do something about our front."

Owen rolled his eyes at me. "Fine. Just… get it done for me, could you? And tell Jack to sod off, he's being all _temperamental_, and since you're his… whatever, you can make him shut it." He said all this as he was leaving for the exit, saying the last few words already through the door, shutting it with an indignant huff. Great. Apparently Jack was in a bad mood as well. Not my fault.

I wasn't letting him go that easy, going to the door and shouting out at him. "Where the hell are you going?!"

"For a walk," he shouted back, not even turning around.

I sighed, going back into the office and shutting the door. I went over to the desk, pushing the button to go down into the Hub. If I could just slip in and out…

When I came out through the lift and the rolling cog door, I was greeted with the sound of Jack's oh-so-melodic - no, annoying and barking voice. "…How difficult is it to find an alien in this city?! We can't just have lost the trace."

Tosh was at her workplace, typing away at her keyboard. "The rift has stopped, and I can't find the irregularity anymore." During Tosh's speech, I was making my way over to Owen's desk, grabbing a stack of papers that was on top of it. Yep, U.N.I.T. reports. "It's too faint to distinguish from all the other clutter and the Weevils. I'm trying to pinpoint it, but it'll take a bit of fine-tuning."

I wasn't even bothering to look at Jack, just making my way back out of the Hub to where my desk was up in the tourist office. "You do that, Tosh. We don't know what that was, and knowing our luck, it could be the end of the world." Just as I stepped into the lift, I heard Jack yell out, none too gently, "Ianto!" I ignored him.

Going back into the office, I sat down at the desk, looking through the forum on top, glaring at it, just strong enough for the inanimate piece of paper to know I wasn't happy with it. I didn't want to do bloody admin, I didn't want to deal with aliens. I especially didn't want to –

"Ianto," came the all-too-recognizable American accent. I sighed heavily, not looking up. "You've been avoiding me."

"Don't know what you're talking about, sir," I said curtly. I realized as soon as I said it I'd given myself away. He always knew I was mad at him when I stopped calling him Jack.

I didn't look up at him when I felt him behind me, leaning with both hands against the back of my office chair. "Ianto," he said, almost warningly.

I turned around, looking at him, and I knew it looked blank, but the fact that it was so forcefully blank made it obvious I was holding back. "Jack," I replied, restrained.

He looked at me for a moment, intensely. "Does this have anything to do with this morning?"

You mean your conversation with Gwen? About how if she's not entirely sure about the wedding, she could always talk to you, you know what she's going through, you're there for her, the way you stepped in close and brushed the hair out of her eyes… no, that's nothing. "Why do you think that?"

"Because you disappeared up here real quick after that. You can be real quiet when you want to be," Jack said with a grin. Bloody hell, he was attractive when he did that. But it didn't change the fact I was mad at him. "You're like a ninja," he said almost goofily.

I just gave him a sour look. "I have the tendency to go unnoticed." I picked up my ball-point pen, clicking the back so I could start filling out the forum. Date, Location… "Guess it comes with the practice."

Jack sighed heavily. "Ianto, you don't need to get so angry." He brought on his attitude he loves putting on when he wants to play teacher with his team, teach them a bit of a lesson. "Whatever it is, is it really worth it?"

This time, he got a full on glare, which shut him up good. "Will you just leave me alone right now?" I wasn't going to give in to that look he gave me right now, looking almost shocked. It wasn't because he was hurt, I knew that much; he was just stunned that his magic wasn't working on me.

Finally, he turned around, leaving me alone to work on the bloody admin. I glared at the paper a bit longer before getting back to work. It wasn't so awful, if I put my mind to it and just made it interesting. Surely it was better than being down in the Hub and therefore subject to being Jack's… lover? Fling? Plaything?

.........

_You shut your mouth / How can you say I go about things the wrong way? / I am human and I need to be loved / Just like anybody else does_

_.........  
_

Jack had listened to me, thank God. He left me alone. Unfortunately, the admin was not unending, and I was far too efficient when it came to paperwork (again, it came with practice, a lot like the going unnoticed), so I got back to organizing timetables. It was at that point that Owen decided to return, asking if I'd done the admin since I was doing the same thing I was doing when he left. Satisfied when he saw it was done, he sauntered back down. Once I decided that I'd spent enough time organizing the schedules, I gave the office a good dusting, realizing just how much time I was wasting and not really caring. Then I went into the back room of the office and organized some in there. Of course, then I got into pointless things, like rearranging the pencils so that the unsharpened ones were separated from the sharpened ones, and reorganizing all the false paperwork to fit into a single file cabinet. Gwen came up at some point that afternoon and left to go do some last minute preparations for tomorrow. I gave her a small smile. I wasn't angry at her, because I was rather positive she loved Rhys. I trusted her. I didn't trust Jack.

Did I really lay any claim to Jack, though? Did I have the right to be acting like a jealous boyfriend? Honestly? No, I don't think I did. But I still had the right to be angry. He was toying with me, and didn't even care. …Or he just didn't realize he was doing it. No, I shouldn't try and justify his actions. He should be up here doing that.

Except I told him to leave me alone.

I realized when Tosh came up that it must already be close to evening. I hadn't noticed the afternoon light through the windows growing dimmer. How long had I been stubbornly sitting up here?

"You doing all right?" Tosh gave me one of her quiet smiles. She was usually rather good at catching on to my little mood swings, when I did have them.

I shrugged. "I'm fine. You need anything else?" I just smiled at her, per usual.

She shook her head. So polite. "No, thank you, Ianto." She bade me farewell and headed out the exit for her flat. Well, that meant that only Owen and I were left. Aside from Jack, unfortunately.

And not long after, Owen came up, giving me a stack of completed paperwork for me to file away, barely giving me a nod goodbye. And you have a wonderful evening as well, Owen. It was a pleasure serving you.

Bugger. I kept trying to find things I could do before I finally gave up. I needed to talk to Jack. It had been eating up at me all day. I didn't want to, I wasn't looking forward to it, but I needed to. So I ventured down, adjusting my tie on the way down the lift, and sighed as the lift door opened.

Paper work in hand, I was already making my way over to Jack's office, because of course that's where it had to be filed, letting myself in without talking. Jack was on the phone with someone, sitting at his desk with his professional tone. "All right… and you're saying it looked 'bad'? You wouldn't be able to have any specifics would you? Something to work off of?" I ignored him (and he seemed to return suit) as I made my way over to the file cabinets, storing everything away. "I mean, in my vocabulary, 'bad' could be 'I spilled my coffee' and it could also mean 'I've been eaten by an alien.'" A pause. "…Oh…" Jack almost sounded abashed. "…he was eaten by the alien?"

I filed away the last manila folder, making my way for the door of the office to get the hell out of there. Just then, Jack covered the receiver with his hand, looking at me. "I've got a man-eating alien on the loose, and you haven't spoken ten words to me all day. Stay there." He got back to his phone conversation as I regrettably stayed where I was, facing the door still. "All right, and this was where?" He wrote down a few things, putting in a few 'uh-huh's before giving a final 'all right' and hanging up the phone. He paused for a moment, and I could almost sense the switching of gears. Like I was a new thing to deal with, akin to another alien threat. Instead of, you know, him feeling guilty?

"Ianto, I know you're mad me."

I couldn't help but laugh, though of course it was a bit bitter. "You're observant, sir."

"Will you cut the 'sir' crap?!" I turned around, giving him my restraining blank look. "I thought we'd gotten past this already… things have been…" Oh, the bastard, he had the gall to _smirk. _"…pretty good for us, haven't they?"

I just glared at him, and I couldn't hold it back anymore. Screw civility, I had to know. "Jack, am I your second choice?"

Jack paused, mouth gaping open slightly, as if I'd just asked him to run around the world in five seconds. "…Huh?"

I crossed my arms, glancing away while I spoke. "If you could, you would be with Gwen, wouldn't you?"

He didn't answer. Not for lack of trying, his mouth gaping open like an idiot, stammering. "I… Ianto, I… what??"

I couldn't handle it anymore. No answer was as good as 'yes' in this kind of situation. I gave him a nasty look, probably one of my best so far. "I'm going out. Deal with the man-eating alien on your own." I knew that would make Jack angry, I knew it was irresponsible, but if saving the world meant being within a mile radius of Captain Jack Harkness, then let the bloody world go to hell. I hurried out of the hub practically as quickly as I could, ignoring Jack's shouts. Fuck him.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

I usually hated pubs. But this one had catchy music from what I'd heard from the team, so it was the first place I went. I wanted to be what Jack was every day: an insensitive bastard who could care less. It wasn't usually my style, fighting fire with fire, but hey, don't beat it before you try it, right?

It was all right music, I suppose. The only thing was I was pretty sure I could feel my ear drums vibrating from the volume. I needed to get out more. I made my way over to the bar, ordering a gin and tonic as I sat down on the bar stool and looked around. How exactly did one start with this sort of thing? There were bodies dancing in the middle of the dance floor, but I hadn't danced for ages; I'd need to work up a bit more courage before I went back to then. I tried to remember myself back when I was in college; I'd been a bit of a slacker, and had gone out to get piss drunk quite a few times.

So, that was my solution, wasn't it? I got my drink, taking a long sip from the glass. I hadn't had real liquor for quite some time, not really venturing outside of a beer here and there, a glass of red wine… bugger. I tossed my head back for another gulp, because the purpose of tonight was to NOT think about Jack. I was still nowhere near drunk though.

"Drowning away your sorrows, sweetheart?" I paused, looking to see a rather attractive young man beside me, clearly checking me out. I arched a single eyebrow at him. I hadn't been hit on by a guy before, outside of Jack. In fact, I'd never really thought any other men attractive before. Before Jack, I'd only dated girls. The young man's expression changed, looking a bit unsure. "I'm not barking up the wrong tree, am I?"

This is my chance. Don't give a bloody damn what Jack things, don't think about if he's worried right now about you, or if you should be at the Hub trying to help him… I gave him a little smile. "I haven't decided yet." Score one for Jones.

The new target of my flirtation smirked. "I'll see what I can do to fix that." He kind of reminded me of a bloke I'd worked with back in Torchwood London; he'd always trotted around bragging about his plentiful shags. Not like Jack, who you never knew if he was telling the truth or not and half the time was pretty sure he saw the whole thing as hilarious. No, this was one of those 'kiss and tell' folk. But his hair was nice. Kind of a swooping blonde. Oh, he'd dyed a streak of his bangs black. How hip of him. And he had a soft face, not harsh like Jack's… bloody hell, I was still thinking about Jack, wasn't I? The fellow held his glass out to mine. He had a Sidecar. Bloody hell. "Davey Trippet. Cheers, to your health." He had a chipper accent. Sounded like he was from Liverpool.

I shrugged, returning the toast. "And yours." We clinked glasses together, both taking sips, mine considerably longer than his. "Jones. Ianto Jones."

"Pleasure to meet you, Jones, Ianto Jones." I arched an eyebrow up at him, unable to forget a certain meeting that had a similar beginning. _Nice to meet you, Jones, Ianto Jones. Captain Jack Harkness. _"Where you from?"

I was swirling around the ice in my glass, watching it. "Newport. You from Liverpool?"

Davey laughed at that. "Pretty obvious, eh?" He took a quick swig from his drink. "I haven't seen your gorgeous face 'round here before. You come often?"

Well now. Davey was taking away my opportunity to make the first move. Didn't mean I couldn't respond. "First timer." I was still smiling lightly.

That black streak in his hair was kind of cute. Made me think he was one of those bold sorts who'd do nearly anything. "I should show you around then, shouldn't I? Be hospitable and all." That smirk on his face told me that he wasn't thinking about showing me anything clandestine. Yep, he was a bold sort.

I looked up at him, setting my glass down on the bar. It was nearly empty anyway. "Hospitable?" Yeah, I was calling him out on it.

He nodded, and his eyes glimmered with dirty thoughts. "You interested? I don't charge for gorgeous things like you." That was an obvious 'would you like to be my one-night shag' if I ever heard one.

Why the hell wouldn't I want to? This was exactly what I was looking for. Fuck the consequences, who cared? I bloody didn't. Jack didn't. I let my smile widen. "Sure. Lemme pay for my drink…"

But before I could whip my wallet out of my back pocket, Davey had stopped me. "I've got it." He whipped out a note from his front pocket, leaving it on the counter for the bartender and telling him to keep the change. He gave me one last smirk before getting up, jerking his head for me to follow him. "Shall we begin our lovely tour?"

Sure. Why not? He was pretty hot, and he was completely willing. Didn't mean a thing. If it didn't to Jack, it didn't to me. Why was I having to repeat that in my head over and over anyway?

.........

_There's a club if you'd like to go / You could meet somebody who really loves you / So you go and you stand on your own / And you leave on your own / And you go home and you cry and you want to die_

_.........  
_

Davey had me pushed up against the wall of his flat, pinning my shoulders there and kissing me like it was the end of the world and I was the last shag he would ever get. And I was kissing him back just as hard. We'd clarified that this was just a one-time deal, and that a condom would be used, and then before any more niceties were exchanged suddenly his shirt was off. He was a little wiry, but it was a definite contrast to what I was used to. And it wasn't like he wasn't strong… I was practically breathless he had me pinned so well.

Davey looped an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him, with my arms draped over his shoulders. Jack would be furious if he could see me now. He'd probably shoot Davey through the skull, and then lock me up in his office like I was a little prize of his that nobody else could play with. But he didn't have that control over me. He had no right.

"Mmm, Ianto," I felt Davey's lips move against mine, moaning out my name. "Wanna fuck you. Hard."

I merely nodded, and before I could say anything else, my pants were being unbuttoned.

What the hell.

_Ianto, oh Ianto, you look so gorgeous like this… Jack, god please, right the-ah! Oh Jack… Ianto… Ianto Jones, you are beautiful…_

Davey was kissing down my naked chest, his hand massaging my groin through my underwear. And suddenly it was utterly disgusting.

_Curled up on the couch of the Hub, with Jack's arm around my waist behind me, caring and protective, still waking up, bashfully leaping up when Tosh walked in, getting to work… exchanging smiles, comments in private, whispered in my ear, Jack's smile…_

"I have to go," I suddenly panted out, pushing a hand against Davey's shoulder, pushing him away from continuing his path with his mouth.

Davey looked up at me, looking at me like I was insane. "What?" I thought you said…"

"Changed my mind," I grunted, pushing myself away from him, tripping over my feet to pull my pants back up. Where did my shirt go?

The kid – holy shit, that's all he was, a kid – watched me while I started gathering up my clothes. "What brought this on? Too good for a casual fuck?"

Dammit, my shirt was wrinkled. I honestly didn't care at this point, I just wanted to get my clothes on and leave. Where's my vest?! I turned around to face Davey, buttoning up the shirt. "Honestly, yes."

Yeah, that was probably a pretty mean thing to say, but hell, it was just a one-night-stand, no reason to get too offended. But Davey was already changing his tactics, trying to turn up the sexual juice in the room again that had been there not five minutes earlier. "What, you need a kink to spice it up? Want me to talk dirty or shit like that?"

I just rolled my eyes. "Look, I have somebody, okay?" That was about as far from the reality of the situation I was in as I could have made it, but it was the only way to explain why I was leaving. I was already feeling like shit for backing out, but at this point I wasn't even excited any more, and I'm pretty sure, even if I would die if I didn't, I couldn't have had sex with Davey Trippet. I finally finished buttoning up my shirt and pulled on my vest, not bothering to button it up, just going over to the mirror to make sure my hair wasn't too horrible before turning back to Davey. "You're cute and all, but… I can't."

Davey sighed, rolling his eyes, sitting down on his bed and pulling off his shoes. He looked like he was about to just go to bed and give up. "Fine. You can let yourself out?"

"Yeah," I said, a little awkwardly. Bloody. Fucking. Hell. "Bye," I said hurriedly, letting myself out of the door, vest still unbuttoned and flapping in the air as I rushed away from Davey and his sex and his nothing.

Why did I think running from 'nothing' to even less would help? God, I needed to see Jack.

.........

_When you say it's gonna happen now / When exactly do you mean? / See I've already waited too long / And now my hope is gone_

_.........  
_

The cog rolled aside and let me into the Hub. I knew I looked like shit, but I needed to actually talk to Jack. I hadn't been fair before, leaving before he could even try to explain what was going on. I walked in to quite the scene.

"…getting married tomorrow! Owen, you can't do anything about this, can you?" Gwen's voice came from the medical bay.

"'Fraid not, love. That may end up scarring. You'll just have to wear a bandage down the aisle."

I thought everyone had gone home. I checked my watch. It was nearly ten o'clock. "What happened?"

Owen looked up to see me, then looked back to Gwen, proceeding to wrap up her arm in a bandage. "Shapeshifting alien bit her. Ate a bloke about two hours ago, Jack called me in, and we were able to get a hold of the trace and had Gwen go after it."

Gwen shrugged, looking a bit irritated. Understandably, she was supposed to be the beautiful bride. "And now I've got a bite the size of a grapefruit on my arm."

I shrugged, trying to cheer her up. "They can always Photoshop the bandage out of the pictures."

Gwen smiled at me. "Thanks, Ianto. I bet they can." She laughed. "And if they can't, I'm pretty sure you can!" She looked over my shoulder. "Right Jack?"

Bloody fucking HELL. I'm pretty sure Owen and Gwen noticed how I tensed up when I realized Jack was behind me. I closed my eyes. Breathe in. Slowly. Then let it out, slowly.

Jack beat me to the punch when it came to actually saying anything. "Ianto, can I talk to you?"

First I had to stuff my hands in my pockets. Brace myself for impact. I had no clue what dirty look he would be giving me right now. I had broken probably the biggest rule in Torchwood history: leaving without just reason. Right when a man-eating alien had been confirmed on the loose, at that. Then, I slowly turned around, and was shocked to see Jack standing there, looking almost… sad? I paused before nodding, and Jack motioned for me to follow him into his office. I followed, and I could already hear Gwen whispering to Owen, 'what the hell is going on with those two?' 'Dunno, they've both been chewing my head off all day…' Leave it to Owen, the master of dramatics.

Jack held the door open and made me go into the office first. I wasn't one for chivalry at the moment, but I followed his lead, walking in before him. Jack was right behind me, shutting the door after him. Then, he held his hand out for mine. I paused, looking at it for a moment. Two hours ago, I wanted to rip this man's head from his neck. Now, I was just confused. I didn't know what the hell I wanted. I didn't want to be the runner-up, but I couldn't even picture in my mind being with another living soul other that Jack. Then I saw that Jack was jerking his head to the corner of his office. I knew that corner well; it was the corner of his office that couldn't be seen through the walls of windows from the rest of the Hub, tucked away just enough that it gave a bit of privacy. I sighed, taking his hand.

He led me to that corner before finally looking me straight in the eye. He rested both hands on my shoulders. "Ianto, I'm sorry for whatever I did to you. I didn't mean to hurt you."

I know, Jack. The thing is, you can't help but hurt me as long as I know… "Jack, I don't know…"

Jack cut me off. "You shouldn't have stormed off. Should have let me finish." He grinned at me. "I forget sometimes how stubborn you are."

I tried to continue what I had been saying before. "I don't know why I'm even still doing this with you…"

Before I could get another word in, suddenly Jack's hand was on the back of my neck, pulling me in and kissing me. It was the kind of kiss we shared when the other needed comfort. It was a kiss that spoke plainly: _I'm here for you, Ianto._

Oh yeah. This was why I still did it.

I didn't know exactly what I was doing, or why I was letting myself do it, but I kissed Jack back. It didn't matter any more. Jack was Jack, and I wanted him exactly the way he was. It's what made him so goddamn irresistible.

.........

_I am human and I need to be loved / Just like everybody else does_

_.........  
_

When we woke up in the morning, my clothes were strewn everywhere across Jack's room in the basement of the Hub. Nothing but a thin sheet covered us. It was dirty, it was unorthodox, and it sure as hell was not your typical romantic relationship. But I didn't really give a damn anymore. Because when I watched Jack wake up and he saw me looking at him and smiled – no, not his cocky grin, he _smiled _– he leaned up and kissed me softly. I would have liked to stay like that with him for hours. Screw the aliens and everything. I just liked being here with Jack. Just the two of us.

Jack's mobile rang on the bedside table next to us, and I groaned as he answered it. "Yeah… you're _what?!_" I cocked an eyebrow at his response. What the hell. Jack nodded. "I'll be right there." He was suddenly getting up out of bed, quickly fishing for clothes as I watched him in curiosity. Jack looked at me and arched his eyebrows. "Gwen says she looks like she's pregnant."

What the bloody hell?!

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**AN: That went well. Hooray! Review – be honest, tell me how I really did. It's been a while since I've done this, and I'm rusty. Help me get back in the groove and tell me one thing I can fix? Even as silly as a typo.**


	2. Love On the Rocks: Part I

**AN: So I wasn't planning on continuing this, but then I realized that so many of these songs on my iPod could be worked into this fragile point in Jack and Ianto's relationship. But I'm pretty sure I'm staying in Ianto's point of view no matter what; Jack is too amazing for me to ever get inside his head properly. So, enjoy: 'Love on the Rocks' by Sara Bareilles, specifically the version from her live album, Live at the Fillmore.**

**/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\**

**A wedding chapel just outside of Cardiff. Gwen's wedding.**

………

_We met on a rainy evening in the summertime / Don't think I need to tell you more / I needed a raise I worked so hard for this love of mine, love of mine / Still I've got nothing to show for it_

………

"I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Gwen Elizabeth Cooper, do take thee, Rhys Allen Williams, to be my lawful wedded husband."

God, I love weddings. No, really, I do. Some people think I'm almost too dry and cynical (which, by the way, I don't see myself as cynical, especially compared to Owen) to enjoy them, but I love them to bloody pieces. Gwen looked beautiful (I was only slightly disappointed she wasn't able to wear the maternity wedding dress I'd bought that morning), Rhys looked proud, and they were the perfect newlyweds.

I turned my head to look down the line of Torchwood compatriots. Owen, who was sitting next to me, looked like he wasn't totally regretting coming; was that a look of regret on his face? Tosh looked like she had a tear in her eye. …And Jack wasn't really looking at them. He was off in his own world. I looked back to the happy couple, refusing to let my thoughts wander where they were so close to getting towards. I'd already been over this last night, and I didn't feel like going through all of it again.

After the happy couple had kissed and the ceremony was complete, the party slowly began migrating towards the reception hall. I made my way over to Jack. He was grinning to the public, accepting congratulations and thanks from members of Gwen and Rhys' family for saving them from the raging alien. He was in the middle of being thanked profusely by Gwen's adorable mother when I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "You have a moment?"

Jack blinked, glancing at me and nodding, before asking Mrs. Cooper to give him a moment. He walked with me so that we weren't amidst the crowd of people. He was still grinning.

I arched by eyebrows at him. "I can tell something's bothering you, because you don't grin like that unless you're seducing someone or you're hiding something."

This elicited a genuine laugh from Jack. He seemed surprised that I'd learned that much about him. "I'm fine, Ianto." He ran a quick hand through my hair before leaning in to kiss me on the cheek. Fuck, my heart fluttered like mad. "I'm just glad that Gwen and everyone is safe. This could have ended up really badly."

I shrugged. "It could always end up badly." I looked at him a moment longer, and knew there was something else. Before I could ask Jack what was really wrong however, I felt that nagging in my stomach. God damn it, why couldn't I just let it go? Jack had told me (in the throes of passion, yes, but he'd said it and I was holding him to it) that he wanted _me_. Not Gwen. Or at least, that implied that he didn't want Gwen, when he said he wanted me. The way he'd said it made me pretty sure he was implying…

Jack gave me one of his dazzling, tooth-bearing, basically cheeky grins. "Don't be a downer! It's a party!" I rolled my eyes, and he just gave me a playful nudge to my shoulder. "Hey, we're going to need somebody to spin some tunes for us, since our disc jockey was, you know…" He made an almost comically apologetic face. "Eaten."

I couldn't help but laugh. You know that you've spent too many years around carnage when you laugh at somebody being eaten by a Nostrovite. "Right." I looked around the reception hall before making my way over to the equipment. Simplistic enough. I made sure to throw in an appropriate playlist of Frank Sinatra and slow rock. Thank God I'd had to take over; the playlist this Irving fellow had prepared was a little tasteless. 'Fat Bottomed Girls'?

The party went swimmingly. Owen came over at one point and insisted he put on 'Come Sail Away.' I rolled my eyes when we got to the final verse: 'We climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies.' Who knew that alien exploration was synonymous with experimenting with drugs?

I finally put on a slower number, with a slowly rocking beat. I thought it was appropriately romantic, and surely enough, as soon as it started, Gwen and Rhys engaged in probably the fifth slow-dance of the evening. Mission Accomplished. Not moments later, I saw… Owen and Tosh? I couldn't help but grin, and Tosh noticed and gave me a beaming smile.

The idea was innocent enough when it popped into my head. Why don't I go over and ask Jack to dance with me? The playlist would keep playing on it's own, so I wasn't bound to the equipment. I looked up to the chair Jack was sitting in… only to discover he wasn't sitting in it. I blinked, looking over by the table with the food, over by the cake… and found him dancing with Gwen.

My stomach tightened. I couldn't keep ignoring this nagging feeling for much longer. The way he'd looked during the ceremony… the past few days and the way he'd been… was it that easy to ignore? Jack had never really answered my question about if I was his second choice, and I thought that I was okay living without knowing the answer as long as he cared about me. Was I wrong?

So yeah, it was a little blatantly obvious when I went over to the two of them and cleared my throat and asked to dance that I was trying to establish my territory, and Gwen obviously noticed and backed away quickly. Jack's eyes lingered on her too long for my tastes. He looked me in the eyes, and his face still had traces of the emotions he'd had moments ago, him not having time to hide them away: regret. Regret for missing out on Gwen. I refused to notice how even after he'd stepped in and pulled me into his arms, his head turned to look at Gwen and Rhys. I didn't say a single word while we began to sway back and forth gently.

After a moment, just when I knew the song would be ending soon, Jack whispered in my ear, "You deserve a man better than me."

I was struck speechless. What the hell?

But before I could get a word in, the song was ending. Jack pulled away, and he immediately had his 'down-to-business' look on his face. "I need you to start giving out the doses."

I sighed, nodding, trying to ignore what had happened all of three seconds ago and get down to work. "Level Six should do it, right?"

With a nod from Jack, he turned away, already moving to go back to the table and chat a bit with Tosh and Owen, both of whom had finished their dance as well. I tried to get a glance at the look on his face before he started to talk to the others, but by the time I could see his face again, he was grinning again.

Mind swimming in confusion, I began offering drinks to people, slipping the pills into the drinks of those who were already supplied. I deserved a better man than him? Was he admitting that he still wanted to be with Gwen? What kind of half-assed apology for leading me on is that?!

By the time I saw people dropping, I knew it was finally taking effect and rejoined the group in time to wish Gwen and Rhys a happy honeymoon. Gwen thanked me for the dress, which of course I just smiled at with a 'it's nothing' look. She kissed me on the cheek as she left, the same one Jack had kissed me on before the reception began. The fact that I noticed this let me know that I was in a mental rut. How ironic was it that… well, how ironic, that's all.

………

_Here's a simplification of everything I'm going through: / You plus me is bad news / But you're a lovely creation, and I like to think that I am too / But my friends said I look better without you_

………

The clean-up took nearly all evening, and when it was over and everyone was going home, Jack, Owen and I took the SUV back to the Hub; Tosh had her car there at the chapel since she'd gotten there before us. This time as I drove with Jack in the passenger seat, I said little while Owen and Jack debated on if the color scheme of the groomsmen's outfits really was inspired by crack. Jack was determined to convince Owen that it was classic looking, but Owen didn't believe him, and said that it belonged on a tosser. I think he looked at the back of my head when he said that. Really?

Of course, the drive from the chapel back to the Hub was a little long, and eventually Jack noticed I wasn't saying anything. "What do you think, Ianto? You told me your father was a tailor." He had it toned down for Owen's sake, and it was heavily masked, but I knew he was being a little suggestive.

How was I supposed to react to this when paired with his still previously unexplained statement from earlier? 'You deserve a man better than me'…

I shrugged, answering him plainly and simply. "I think that if it's what Gwen and Rhys wanted on their wedding day, they should have it." I glanced at Jack. "Like I said. Happy couple. Want everything perfect."

Jack just arched his eyebrows, as if he was surprised that I had missed the sexual connotation behind what he was saying. No, I had not forgotten our flirting earlier than had happened when I told him my father was a tailor. I was just choosing to ignore its existence. But of course, Jack hadn't caught onto this yet, so he seemed confused by my answer. He simply used my argument as fodder for his own and dove back into his discussion with Owen. After a minute or two, I thought that maybe he had caught on after all, because he didn't seem to be bothering me anymore.

Sure enough, the next words he said to me were, "Go park the SUV, will you," as I dropped Jack off in Roald Dahl Plass. Owen said he'd come with me, so that he could get to his car and go home. I gave one last glance at Jack before driving to park the SUV, trying to ignore Owen as he said something about how he was still convinced those vests belonged in a gay pornographic film. I pointed out to him that pornographic film usually didn't require any clothing, to which he jeered back at me how I would know what a typical gay porn was like. I just rolled my eyes and shot the question back at him. He got out of the SUV with a huff. Jones shoots, and… nothing but net.

Of course, now I had a choice presented to me. Did I go back to the Hub, or did I leave in my car and go back to my flat? If I went back to the Hub, even if I did have a last thing or two I needed to get done there, it would imply that I was spending the night there, and that would also mean that a conversation would spring up with Jack again about what was wrong with me. But if I left, it would be confirming that I was in a bad mood once again. So I removed the keys from the ignition of the SUV, grabbed my briefcase of paperwork I needed to file away about our most recent successful clean-up operation, and headed to the tourist office to re-enter the Hub.

I stepped through the cog door to hear the faint sound of music. I blinked, looking around the Hub, trying to locate where the music was coming from, noticing confetti at my feet and blinking. My ears finally figured out which direction the music was coming from, and looking up, I saw in his office at his desk. He hadn't looked up from whatever he had with him to look at me yet, but as the door shut, his head snapped up and looked at me. He flashed me a grin before tucking away whatever he had pulled out into a box that was open on his desk.

By the time I'd made it to his office, he had put away the box somewhere in his desk. I thought for a moment about asking about it, but then instead just gave him a little nod. "I have a few things I needed to file away."

Jack simply arched his eyebrows, motioning with a sweeping motion to his office, staying seated in his chair as he swung his feet up to prop them up on his desk. "Help yourself." That I did. I began filing things away, flitting through the folders and slipping pages inside them. It took me a moment to realize that Jack was watching me, but I didn't want to say the first word to him. No problem; I could almost hear his smirk as he said to me, "You never stop working, Ianto Jones."

I simply shrugged. "If I don't do it now, I'm bound to lose them, and then I'll spend probably twenty minutes tomorrow looking for them." The truth was, I was horridly unorganized by nature, and it was only through my intense efforts when I was at work that everything stayed in order. Jack didn't seem to have a response to this, but I knew he was mentally drilling me so that I would 'spill the beans' on why I hadn't said anything the whole way back. But how did I bring up what Jack had said to me? Especially since he was acting now like it hadn't happened at all? Before I could stop myself, I blurted it out. "What did you mean? When you said… I deserve…?" I couldn't find the guts to finish the sentence, but I knew from the sudden escalation of the tension in the room that Jack was finishing the sentence in his mind.

And Jack's answer didn't help at all. "Because you do."

I turned around to face him, file cabinet still open behind me. "What do you mean, though?!"

Jack was looking at his hands folded in his lap, feet still propped up on the desk. It was such a deceptively relaxed looking position, but I could sense how uncomfortable he was right now. I knew too much about him for my own good, and I worshiped every inch of him because of it. It was probably something to do with the fact that I wished I could do exactly what he did: seem perfectly relaxed and hide whatever pain without a second thought.

Instead of letting him answer my question (because I got the distinct feeling he wasn't going to), I continued. "Is it too much to ask of you that you just tell me the truth? About you and…" I choked on my question. I needed to leave it behind, I needed to leave it alone. But I couldn't. "About you and Gwen?"

Jack looked up at me, swinging his feet to the ground and sitting up properly. "Ianto, Gwen married Rhys today. I think that should be an answer right there." His face was blank. Too blank for the situation. It clued me in to the fact that he was holding something back.

God. Dammit! I was starting to lose my patience with him. "Jack, I saw you dancing with her. I saw how you looked at her during the ceremony. I've seen how you've been acting _all day._" It was probably immature, and I probably shouldn't have, but I added as an immature jab, "I think _that _should be an answer right there." I took a deep breath. Stay calm, Ianto… "But I want to hear from you that it's not like that."

Jack was clearly struck speechless. What, did he honestly think I hadn't noticed. "Ianto, I… it doesn't matter."

_WHAT?! _"It doesn't MATTER?!" I couldn't help but shout now. I'd let this slide not even twenty-four hours ago, and here we were, all over again. "It doesn't MATTER. Oh, it doesn't matter, it's just Ianto, who gives a flying fuck about if he's just a second choice or _whatever_, because all he does is bloody make coffee, right?!" I was being hurtful, and I knew it. I had said less immature things during fights with girlfriends in secondary.

I expected to shock Jack, perhaps send him into another bout of amazed silence, but instead, he did the exact opposite. Soon he was on his feet, his gaze intense. I expected him to shout back, but instead his voice was quiet and intense. "Ianto, you have no clue what you're talking about. And you know it's not like that."

My hands were balled up in fists. "But that's the thing. I _don't _know it's not like that." _That _sent us into a silence there. Bloody hell, why was I still there? I turned around, shutting the file cabinet and going to my briefcase to put the rest of the un-filed papers in there. "I'm going back to my flat. I'll see you in the morning."

Jack sighed heavily, leaning forward onto his desk, looking almost exhausted. "Ianto, please, let me talk to you…"

I gave him a nasty look. "I tried that, Jack. Just… I'll see you tomorrow." Half of me just didn't want to look at Jack Harkness's bloody face anymore. The other half knew I needed to cool down. Neither half wanted to be seduced by that charming smile of his. And that's why I promptly left Jack's office, leaving him looking worn out, and going back to my flat.

………

_Tounge-tied and twisted / Go on, baby, go to my head / Babe, baby believe me / If I stay it ain't gonna be easy / Okay, we'll do it your way / But this is the last time you'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down. / Love on the rocks_

………

When I came into work the next day, I was exhausted. I hadn't slept well, and I really didn't want to spend the whole day angry at Jack, nor did I want to do what I'd done the day before Gwen's wedding and avoid him all day. So, I played a much easier game that day. It was a game called 'It Never Happened.' It should be a game Jack was familiar with. After all, he played it with me all the ruddy time.

I had been doing a splendid job of playing this game, especially when it came to when Jack pulled me into his office so that I could provide some of my local knowledge to the situation. He was trying to figure out which pubs attracted which crowds, asking me about each one in particular and what I knew about it. He was apparently trying to track down a witness to an alien trade between two enthusiasts. Not once did he try to add in a suggestive comment to what he was saying, nor did he move anywhere within my 'personal space.' It was clearly noticeable, and I didn't realize until I had left the meeting that he had been intentionally giving me space.

A few hours later, Owen and Tosh were sent to search the pubs to try and track down the witness, while Jack remained in his office, working on 'paperwork and phone calls'. I left him alone for a while, until I realized he wasn't talking to anyone, nor was he looking at any papers except for one folder sitting open on his desk. You know, for a man who hid most of his past, he could sometimes be a shitty liar.

I walked into his office after knocking on the door, which caused Jack to look up, nodding, gesturing for me to enter and looking back down at the folder. He then made a show of flipping through the pages, as if he actually was doing something.

"Jack…"

He didn't look up at me, but at the sound of my voice, he rested his forehead in his hand with his elbow propped up on his desk, as if he had a horrible headache. It was then that I realized I didn't know what to say to him. I'd come in hoping he had something to say to me. I was sorry for how I'd treated him last night, but not for what I said. And because of that, I wasn't going to apologize. I turned away with an annoyed sigh, walking to the corner of his office, facing away from him.

God damn it. All I wanted was just for Jack to say, 'No, Ianto, you aren't a replacement because I can't have Gwen.' That's all I wanted. But for some reason, Jack wouldn't say it. And the only reason I could come up with was that it wasn't true.

I nearly jumped when suddenly I felt arms slipping around my waist and a pair of soft lips on my neck. I made a sound like I was going to protest, because bloody hell I was _not _happy with Jack right now, but shit, I couldn't stop how my throat suddenly closed up, and even though I meant to push his arms away, I instead rested by arms on top of his. Fuck, I was already melting into his hold as he kissed higher and higher up my neck, slowly moving his body around me. I followed his lead, turning around in his arms.

He was moment away from kissing me, and I was just as close to snapping and having another repeat of two nights ago and saying 'fuck it all, I don't care.' But the truth was, I did care. I'd tried pretending otherwise, but it just wasn't true. I cared if I was a second choice or not, and I didn't want to be one.

"Jack," I said quietly. It wasn't a breathless moan like I bet he expected, but a warning. I was telling him to stop.

He froze, pulling his face away from mine and looking me in the eyes. "Ianto," he returned, but his was more of a plea. He wanted me to just ignore the fact that he wouldn't answer. He wanted me to just melt and give in. But something about him was making it so that he wouldn't kiss me against my will.

"I can't," I finally admitted. "Not right now. Not…" I almost sounded (and really, I probably felt) ashamed. As if I should feel bad because I couldn't give Jack what he wanted.

He shook his head. "I know. I understand." And with that, he pulled away from me, and I suddenly felt so empty. I didn't feel any sense of accomplishment or anything. Sure, I'd gotten what I wanted. But fuck, I still hated it.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**AN: So I'm dividing this song-fic in half. This is the first half, of course. There's a whole verse I haven't gotten to yet, of course. But I'm thinking of a few different ways I could do it. Please, leave me some reviews to let me know how you felt about the characters this go-around!**


	3. Love On the Rocks: Part II

**AN: Hello again, to the 100 or so people that I'm assuming are actually reading this. Except that number is probably gonna drop since I took so long to get this chapter out. Here's the second half: still using 'Love On the Rocks' by Sara Bareilles. I have a HUGE thank-you for this chapter due to user run(dot)dog(dot)run for their words of encouragement and for really spurring lots of my thoughts about where this was headed; the two of us had a very drawn out conversation about Jack and Ianto! And also, thanks to Manu4380 for their comment! I would love to hear more feedback about what more people think, ESPECIALLY if it's negative. (No, I'm not being sarcastic, I want to have some criticism so I can get better!)**

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**Torchwood Hub. One week after Gwen's Wedding.**

Here's a set-up to what feels like a bad joke: how many Ianto Joneses does it take to get a Jack Harkness to believe him when he says 'no'? Apparently more than one.

I had gotten so close to giving into him, that night after Gwen's wedding. I was so close to just kissing him and following him down to his bed and enjoying every second of it. But my head had gotten in the way of my libido, and I didn't dive off that cliff to where there may or may not be a downy mattress waiting to catch my fall. And here I was, a week later, and practically every time I was alone with Jack, it was the same thing. Tosh had even walked in on us, me backed up against the wall with Jack so close to me it was difficult to construe it as anything but sexual from Tosh's point of view. Of course she'd simply stammered and left, but I knew what she was thinking. I think that was the point where I pushed him away, like every other time.

And every time, like this one, the conversation was almost the same. "Ianto, why can't we just go back to the way things were?"

And my answer was always the same as the last answer I'd given him. "Because I don't want how things were."

Which always just left him speechless and confused, as if I meant that I didn't want the sex or the seduction or his gorgeous grin or that sweeping coat or his consistently messy hair. Because believe me, all of those things were making the temptation impossible to deal with.

And all of this with the return of Gwen from her honeymoon in twenty-four hours today. And there I was, crying in the back room.

She had called a few minutes earlier from the cruise ship on her mobile, and I'd exchanged a few words with her, during which she complained about how the coffee, however exotic, just didn't compare to whatever heaven I put in her cup. And apparently the young man who served her coffee wasn't nearly as adorable as I was. I rolled my eyes at the use of an adjective like 'adorable', but went along with it. I left the conference room when Jack started talking to her, simply because I didn't want another reason to be angry for the rest of the day, muttering something to the rest of the team about having to finish something.

Of course, I just escaped to the tourist office, per usual. Shuffling around papers on the desk, pretending to find one and sit down to read it. I was really scared when I saw a water droplet fall onto the paper, and I knew from that tenseness in my throat that I didn't need to look up to check for a leak in the ceiling.

I rushed through the bead curtain into the backroom with the file cabinets, taking a deep breath, as if knowing already that I was bracing myself for the impact. Sure enough, next thing I knew, I heard the beads rustling behind me. "Ianto?"

I had my arms folded, turning to face him calmly, already composed. Maybe my face was a tiny bit red, but he wouldn't notice... Nothing is wrong, nothing's been wrong for the whole week. That's why I go home and my bed feels progressively colder and colder and more empty. "Sir?" There it was. The siren alert to Jack that said that something was wrong.

Jack ran a hand through his hair, looking confused. Almost the identical look he gave me every time I told that I didn't want the same thing we'd always had. "Really, isn't this 'sir' shtick going a bit far?"

I let my shoulders twitch just slightly in a half-shrug, turning to the file cabinet and opening a drawer and pulling it open. I didn't answer him.

He leaned sideway against the wall, looking oh-so cavalier and relaxed, but at the same time his face sang an entirely different song. His eyes were hooked on me, and I could feel them with every tiny move I made. "Am I just going to have to chase you all over the office to try and get an answer out of you?"

Knowing the situation, of course the only response I could give him after that was, "Only until I get an answer from you." I took a deep breath, stopping my shuffling through the file folders. I wasn't fooling anyone, especially not Jack. "About Gwen."

The sigh that came rattling out of Jack's chest was the epitome of exhaustion, with just a hint of exasperation. What, was I annoying to him? "Ianto Jones…" He was leaning away from the wall and sauntering over to me, and I was shocked that my knees weren't already feeling weak just because suddenly he was right next to me, far too intimate for a boss-employee relationship. "How long am I going to have to stalk your sexy Welsh ass?" (I had to smirk when he said 'ass' like an American, but I repressed it quickly.) "We can go to this wonderful spot, in the hot room, behind the Corusian fern collection, and I can see how good you are still at Naked Hide and Seek…" I took in yet another deep breath. I was just waiting for him to move in close and whisper in my ear and completely leave me helpless. But he was playing surprisingly fair right now… "Wouldn't that be more fun than pretending to file?"

I never got the chance to answer him (which would have been quite the feat, since Jack did have a tendency of making me speechless), because at that point, the passageway down into the Hub began to open as Toshiko emerged. Immediately, Jack established proper distance between the two of us, and I rolled my eyes before grabbing a file out of the cabinet. He never came to me to finish that offer he was making. Of course, I never really accepted, did I?

………

_You love the chase but hate me for the runaround / And we're both just tired of the whole thing / Oh, and you tell me what you want, you need, you know you have to have / I just pretend I'm listening_

………

I should have fucking seen it coming. I should have known I was hopeless, that I was going to mess up my grand scheme to play the 'It Never Happened' game. But that didn't stop me from going into work the next day, after another night alone in my cold, cold bed, convinced that today was the day I was going to convince Jack Harkness he had no control over me and that I wasn't going to yield until I got the answer I was looking for.

Then again, did I really want the answer?

The morning brought good news, at least. Aside from the return of the new Mrs. Rhys Williams. I learned about a screening that would be happening at the Electro Museum that evening; I spent the majority of my morning onot acknowledging anything about what was happening between Jack and I, and also convincing Gwen (welcome back) and Owen to come with me to the cinema. I was purposely vague because I was pretty sure otherwise Owen would say no. Tosh was invited as well, but she insisted she had far too much to get done tonight.

Then came lunch.

I ordered pizza, and Owen badgered Tosh into following him to celebrate Gwen's return by going out to actually get a decent lunch. (What was Toshiko going to say to him, 'sorry I have work'? Never for Owen.) I was missed somewhere in the invites, probably because I was down in the archives. So, before I knew what had happened, I was left in an empty hub with nobody but the Captain himself.

This was becoming an extremely difficult game to play. The 'It Never Happened' game. It was much easier with distractions, usually in the form of coffee to refill, or dishes to clean, or papers to file. But with only one other person, I only had one option of whose dishes to wash and who to assist. I made my way into Jack's office to get his coffee mug.

He was enthralled with some alien artifact he'd pulled out of the vaults; an old amulet of varieties. I think he was trying to figure out if it had any similarities to Tosh's own pendant. He had it lain out on his desk, prodding it with a laser pick, trying to see if he could activate anything. I knew better; he just loved playing with anything new, especially if he thought it might be dangerous. I walked over to him and without a word retrieved his coffee mug off of the coaster I had placed it on this morning (Jack was one of the few people who actually made use of my coasters) and began to leave the office with it.

Before I knew what was happening and long before I registered that Jack had stood suddenly from his chair and come over to me in a rush, a hand had closed around my own, taking the mug from me, and suddenly I was almost suffocating because there was something covering my mouth… and that something was a soft pair of lips… and an arm was slipping around my waist…

Shit.

I was immediately melting into a familiar embrace, and I wasn't even thinking about the fact that I _shouldn't_, that I didn't _want _what Jack was offering me, and it should be as simple as that. I wanted to be more than a second choice, than a replacement, and I was starting to understand what Jack meant when he said I deserved better; I really did! Jack shouldn't have this power over me, and I shouldn't be so distracted when I feel his hand drifting up my side, un-tucking my shirt from my trousers…

Shit, shit, shit.

"Jack," I panted out, trying to communicate in one utterance of his name: 'Jack, as clear as it is currently being made how fragile of a state I am in when in your presence, clearly I am not in a position to make any decision about the standing of our undefined affair, so I think that now isn't exactly the best time to be seducing me so effectively here in your office when the rest of our co-workers may be returning any moment. In short, I need more time to ponder our status as an 'item' or anything as such.' Obviously that's a difficult achievement, communicating all of that, when you're breathless and a bit dizzy.

But he seemed to catch the message (not obeying it or acting on it, but he caught it), pausing his kisses, but it didn't help much because his lips were still so close to mine. "Say that you'll be with me tonight. Don't go home and sleep alone."

I froze, feeling as if with his kiss he had sapped all of the oxygen out of my lungs. I didn't know what to do. No, no, NO! Ianto Jones, slap some sense into yourself, you aren't a piece of used furniture to be picked up off the side of the road and thrown away when I'm done with… but bloody hell, it's so hard to say no to those eyes, and I can barely move for lack of oxygen…

Jack didn't let me answer. I have a feeling he already knew how close I was to saying yes. "I'll see you tonight. When you've finished your work, of course." He flashed a toothy grin at me, and I knew I was done for.

I looked at him for a long moment, pulling myself away from him. I was disoriented and unable to think… I couldn't give him an answer. "I'll think about it."

He just smirked, cocking an eyebrow at me. "I'll see you tonight."

………

_Too tired this time / To deal with old suits you wear in ties that won't bind / Baby, baby believe me / If I stay it ain't gonna be easy / Okay we'll do it your way / But this is the last time you'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down_

………

'It Never Happened' quickly had to morph into 'It Happened, But I'm Not Acting On It'. Which formed into 'I'm Not Acting On It Yet'. Which eventually became a tango of 'It Happened, But Even Though I Really Liked It, I'm Not Sure I Should Have So I'm Going Back To Pretending It Never Happened'

Thank goodness I had something else entirely to think about that evening. Not that I love it when a new threat emerges that Torchwood is responsible for, but I was rather grateful, somewhere back in my subconscious as I was running around, that something weird happened. When I had to explain to Jack that I had seen peculiar shadows after seeing him on the screen, I literally felt his eyes on me as he turned to leave the theatre. He had this look, reserved for me. _Follow me, if you want to see more._

Of course I bloody followed. I followed him around all night, and every second we weren't trying to figure out what the hell was going on with these people with their stolen breath, he would glance over at me and keep telling me to keep following him with those perfect eyes. And it was beyond just getting work done. He knew that I knew… that he knew… oh what the hell, I knew what I was in for tonight. Was I resigning to it? Did I just accept that I was mad for Captain Jack and let him have his way with me? I didn't really seem to have much of another choice.

Yes I did! I have the choice to decide who I go to bed with! I made the choice to go out that night with… what was his name, Davey kid. That was my choice. Not Jack's.

It was definitely a test of how good I was at staying concentrated with outside distractions around every corner. Every corner being Jack. But I was making it through the night, catching things nobody else did, even surviving an entire half an hour with just him in the conference room, at eleven at night, talking about local old theatres. "If you know so much about this pub, Ianto Jones, why haven't you taken me?" "You coming? Or do I have to get more creative?" Of course, when he said things like that, the second I'd look up to see what he was thinking, he wouldn't be looking at me. But I could still see his smirk, and it was enough. If it hadn't been for the fact that Owen had alerted us to new victims, I might have given up.

The final straw was in the wee hours of the night. Tosh and I were trying to track down our 'Christina' character, our possible witness that Jack and I had heard about at the hospital, and since the computer system at the psychiatric hospital was proving so out of date it was conflicting with our interface we were having quite the time with it. Owen and Gwen were busy trying to catch a nap on the couch… or, Gwen was, Owen had fallen to the floor dejectedly when Gwen had shoved him off of his designated half.

Jack came out of his office and saw Tosh nearly droping at her station. I didn't know why everyone was so tired… didn't they all have ten thousand things in their heads keeping them up? Oh wait, they didn't have to set their priorities and standards straight in the time span of a few hours. Or less. "All right, team." Owen nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden bark. "Go home, grab a few hours of sleep. Ianto and I will go visit the patient in the morning when visiting hours start." Looks like less.

Nobody complained, and as I kept working at Tosh's station to get the rest of the details on the psychiatric patient, I realized with a shock like a bullet through my stomach that I wasn't going to be getting home tonight.

Fuck.

Owen was the last to stumble out of the hub, after Jack insisted he call a taxi. At that, Jack sauntered over to me. I couldn't look at him. I almost felt sick to my stomach. What the hell did I do?! "Ianto…"

I snapped my head to look at him. "Jack?" Was my voice higher pitched than usual?!

He smirked. "Come with me?" It was so bloody enticing, it was so impossible to refuse…

He knew what this was. I knew what this was. He would never give me his answer, would he? I kept saying I was going to wait for it, but I would never get it. I would never really know. Or I would settle with the knowledge that I was a second choice. Did that make me a piece of trash on the curb? I wasn't exactly sure. But I wasn't able to deny that, however unhealthy it was for me, or however better I deserved, I was the fish stuck on the bait at the end of the hook.

I felt my breath catch in my throat as I nodded, my hand resting in his as I followed him.

Okay, Jack Harkness. You win.

………

_Hot as hell / Cold as ice / Sip it slow cause it's so nice / Dulls my senses / Drives my pain / Want to do it again / Burns a bit to the touch / Dangerous if it's too much / If this bottle could talk… / Love on the rocks_

………

Sex. Synonymous with Captain. Hard… sudden… hot sex. Synonymous with Harkness.

Something about Jack's touch sent fire through my veins. Almost like I was alive. Almost like he cared.

"Are you sure about this, Ianto?" My head hardly processed that he was asking such a sweet and sincere question, because it was wrapped in that sultry, steamy voice. "Ianto?"

What kind of question was that? "Of course I'm not." It didn't phase me anymore at this point, since we'd kind of already started having sex.

And he didn't say anything else about that matter. More important things to whisper in my ear, like, "How about _this_?" Ohhh… bloody hell, I loved it when he did that… "Do you like… _this_?"

Kisses. Hard, long touches. The slow movement of his hips, punctuated with sudden bursts of energy. And the teasing, oh the bloody teasing. "Y-yeess…"

I hated him sometimes when he smirked at me. "I didn't catch that, what was that?"

Holy fucking _shit_... had he always known how to do that, or did he really do something new every time?! "Yes, holy _shit, _Jack, fuck…"

The sodding bastard laughed at me! "You're so hot when you swear like that." That just made up for it.

Things with Jack were a literal whirlwind, sometimes. I honestly had to be silent - aside for moans - for long stretches of times, because I couldn't wrap my head around any words aside from 'yes', 'fuck', and 'Jack', and I didn't want to sound like a complete idiot.

Imagine how hard and suddenly my stomach dropped out from inside me when I heard Jack breathe in my ear, "Say my name… I love it when you say my name…"

I obliged. Whole heartedly.

………

_Baby, baby believe me / You'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down_

………

The morning came too soon. I always woke up at seven in the morning, even if we didn't fall asleep until five. Bloody hell, I hadn't even opened my eyes yet, and I knew that my body had woken up at seven anyways. And I was sore. Fuck, how long did we go at it last night?

…Shit.

I opened my eyes, and discovered the truth: an empty bed. Cold.

I felt my heart stop, and wondered why it hurt so badly to wake up alone, again. I didn't even remember falling asleep last night, nor did I remember any perfect moments when it was made clear to me that I did the right thing by sleeping with Jack once again; no moment of tender embracing, no gentle kiss…

I sat up with the single sheet just barely covering my naked form, looking around the meager room that was Jack's place, here in the hub. I finally heard Jack's voice, over me. I tilted my head up and heard him on the phone. "Yes, we think she may be of interest to our investigation…" He laughed at something the other person said. "It's a very long-running investigation. A documentary of sorts."

I laid back down on the bed, sighing softly to myself. The case. The Night Travelers. Those souls, with their last breaths stolen… and me in a cold bed, alone. I had never felt quite like such shit.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**AN: Well THAT didn't take me bloody forever to finally get right. Sorry to those of you who might have been waiting for this. Now I need to listen to more music and find another one that inspires me.**


	4. Pilgrim's Hands

**AN: Chapter Four is upon us! Instead of a song this time around, I get to enlighten all of you with Shakespeare. Interspersed in this chapter of my story, I have included the 'Pilgrims' Hands' scene from Romeo and Juliet, which is specifically in Act I, Scene 5. Yes, it's supposed to be a bit heartbreaking seeing such a beautifully poetic and romantic scene juxtaposed with this. If you don't do so well with Shakespeare, though I highly recommend enjoying the beautiful poetry and symbols used, here's a 'modern translation' provided by SparkNotes: nfs(dot)sparknotes(dot)com(slash)romeojuliet(slash)page_66(dot)html  
Thanks, once again, to run(dot)dog(dot)run, for their amazing assistance and feedback as I was writing this chapter, and also a big thanks to SixKings for their pointer on last chapter; do re-read the second paragraph of Chapter Three to see the awesome substitute I came up with for such an ugly cliché as 'I couldn't get the guts to do it'. Thanks to all the other awesome reviewers I have; you all are awesome support. ******

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**University Hospital of Wales. Evening, nine days after Gwen's wedding.**

Jack is a hero. Bloody hell, it must be embedded in his DNA, isn't it? I watched the life float back into that little body, and all the tension that had been floating around my head all morning evaporated. All day, all I'd been able to worry about were these poor people; a mother and a father, two young women… I wanted them saved from these ghosts that had walked off of their piece of film. But as I ran to catch that metallic flask and watched the breaths escaping it, I could feel my heart shattering. If only I had held on a little tighter to that flask, if only I had tried a little harder.

But it was all right, because Jack is a hero. He held that small boy, smiling so brokenly, and I couldn't stop the tears that began pouring down my cheeks and dripping onto my pressed suit jacket before I had a chance to scrub at my face with the heel of my hand. We'd saved him, but he had no parents, no sister. His life, even though it would continue, would be hell. But he was alive to live it, and maybe one day he would grow up to save the world from alien scum.

We left soon after Jack had explained to the nurse what she should say happened to the boy, letting me give her the dose of Retcon required for her to forget the metallic flask; it was a bit of a hassle, but it would be better if we didn't have to deal with her telling all of her mates how we'd brought a boy back to life with a weird puff of smoke.

Walking through the hallways of the hospital, Jack pointed out to me a woman who was being spoken to by a nurse. I recognized her; she had visited the young girl who had been attacked just off of Hope Street. Her mother? My throat closed up again, and Jack rested a hand on my shoulder and hurried me along. There was little comfort in his touch, just an ushering nudge.

I glanced over at him, and the warmth that had filled his face from before, when he was holding that boy, was gone.

"Jack?"

He looked up at me, and I recognized the look in his eyes. "I'll need you to go over to Jonathan's flat, see if there's anything we need to recover. We will need a bit of a clean-up this time around, I can trust you with it, right?"

I just looked at him for a bit. I didn't know what I expected, a hug and a pat on the back and the rest of the night off? Or what, did I think he would invite me to come to the Hub with him for a relaxing evening to wash away the stresses of today? No, ever since this morning, all I'd gotten were orders and commands. Come with me, follow me, do this. I was used to getting down to business, but this was almost cold. I just nodded. "Yeah, I'll do it."

"Good. I'll take a taxi back to the Hub, you finish things up here." He left without a word, striding ahead of me. I watched him, slowing my own pace to a halt and watching him go. Behind me, I heard the woman break down into sobs.

What I wouldn't do to have fallen for a man who would lift me off my feet when I fell instead of waiting for me to pick myself back up. Screw building self-reliance.

………

_ROMEO  
If I profane with my unworthiest hand  
This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:  
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand  
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss._

………

When I got back to the Hub late that night, I didn't find Jack in his office, or down in his sad excuse for a bedroom. So after a few minutes of wandering around, I admitted defeat, got in my car and went back to my flat. I spent yet another night in a cold bed, and woke up once again alone. And when I got to work in the morning, Jack called me into his office for a report on everything that I did the night before on the clean-up. I formally briefed him on everything I had done, pretended to listen to him for a moment, and then took the flask off of the desk and handed it to him. We had a moment of eye contact there, and I saw him about to open his mouth to say something, but I ignored the fact that I had seen it and left the office quickly.

I didn't think that Jack would come after me so quickly; I assumed I would continue getting a cold shoulder, for whatever reason I didn't know. But after only a few minutes, he found me, filing away my documents regarding this time's clean-up operation. (At least this time I wasn't having to invent work for myself.) "Ianto, did you hear something?"

After I finished slipping the manila folder into the appropriate slot, I looked up at him, shaking my head, getting back to work. Jack stood there, arms folded and eyes cemented to my back like some kind of watchful hawk. I kept working for a few moments before the spine-aching feeling of him watching me started to get to me. I turned back to him, stopping my work, saying in my most forced calm tone, "Did you need anything else…Jack?" I'd had to stop myself from calling him 'sir'.

He paused, and I knew he'd caught my trip up over my own words. He thought over whatever he was about to say for a few moments; maybe he was actually taking care in his actions before just blazing in this time. "Just… you seemed really shaken after all of this. Making sure you're all right."

I rolled my eyes. Why is it that even though this is all I'd wanted him to say ever since last night, now I found it almost annoying? "You don't have to baby sit me, I'm fine." The answer to my own question came to me halfway through my statement; the attention was nice, but a bit overdue. My realization probably showed in how I said 'I'm fine' just a little bit half-heartedly.

Jack, perceptive as ever, stepped in close to me. "Ianto… we haven't really talked, not since… the other night." He couldn't hold back a smirk. If I'd been in a better mood, I probably wouldn't have been able to hold back a small grin as well; I couldn't deny it had been quite the firecracker of an evening. "You're not having second thoughts, are you? Don't see how you could, not after all the… affirmation I was getting?"

He shouldn't know how to get me flustered so well. But he did, and now echoes of that night's _Fuck, Jack, yes, please _were running through my head. "None at all." Maybe it was a bit curt, but I did a good job this time with any second guesses I had.

The thing about Jack's body language was that it perfectly adapted itself and optimized its effectiveness to whatever it was he was trying to get. In this scenario, the slightly quirk of his lips and tilt of his hips was very effectively getting Jack exactly what he seemed to want right now: me. "Perhaps we could send our team home early tonight? I'm sure with a bit of preparation, I could have quite the evening set up for the two of us…"

I could feel the springs and clichéd butterflies bouncing up against the upper walls of my stomach, and it was mixed with just a dash of unpleasantness, because I knew that Jack knew just how well he was manipulating me right now. "I have those U.N.I.T. reports to finish, and we're low on groceries…"

Fuck, bloody hell, and god DAMN it, he just had to lean in and whisper in my ear. "Make sure you pick up the essentials." Oh… bugger. And with that parting shot and a kiss to my neck, he sauntered along, clearly pleased with himself. I swallowed a lump in my throat down harshly, glad that I had the strength to not exactly say yes to his request. But it was rather common knowledge between the two of us at this point that I would say yes. Bugger.

………

_JULIET  
Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,  
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;  
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,  
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss._

………

Firecrackers were one thing. But how did a firecracker so fire hot and so vibrant produce something so flat and cold? When Jack and I were finished that night and he lay with me for only a little while before kissing me on the forehead and telling me he had some phone calls to make, I couldn't help but feel that I had been a recreational activity for him of sorts. Like Ring Around the Rosie, only much more obscene and involving the depression of an employee.

Nights seemed to often happen similarly to that one. Jack would corner me at some point throughout the work day, pluck all the right strings on my libido's imaginary violin, and then I would wake up in the morning alone. And he would continue to toss me looks of seduction throughout the workday, paired with coldness I couldn't identify.

The longer this went on, the more my head started to fill in the blanks of our situation. This nameless coldness, this absence of warmth that I often felt when I was with Jack, could be explained by the fact that Jack didn't feel at all what I felt for him. Was I really just a shag, a distraction from the labors of work? He didn't seem to be going out and doing what he did to me with any random strangers or such, but I never could stop being angry every time I saw him glance at Gwen while she worked.

It would have been totally excusable, had it not been made so clear time and time again that he knew exactly what it was he did to be. I could almost smell it when he smirked when my knees went weak (did that have to do with those 51st century pheromones?), and I know that when we suddenly became glued to each other when the Hub was our own, Jack always looked right into my eyes, and I felt the shiver that went through his body when I said his name…

That time when Gwen tried to convince Jack to investigate the negative rift spikes and missing persons. I remembered when I had found out about Flat Holm, and Jack had explained to me why we couldn't do anything for them. But seeing that determination in Gwen's eyes, that obsession… I needed to at least try and help her. "Jack…" I chased after him as he quickly left the conference room. I stopped him in the hallway with a hand to his elbow. "Can't we at least explain to her? About them…"

Jack gave me a harsh look. Almost like he was disciplining me, clearly establishing that boss-slash-employee relationship. Cold. "No."

My brow furrowed in irritation. "Why?!"

He wasn't budging, stubborn as ever. "No."

That's all I was going to get? Just 'no'? "Jack, listen, if I just tell her about the island, and how they're being cared for…"

Jack interrupted me. Really, didn't he hold a single iota of respect for what I had to say? "…She'll try to tell the boy's mother. Nobody can know. It's a need-to-know item. Gwen doesn't need to know."

I arched my eyebrows in a bit of confusion. "So why did you tell me?"

This tripped him up. He just looked at me, cold and harsh for a moment, but I knew his mind was reeling. I thought for an instant this would be it: an affirmation of what I meant to him. A moment of truth. Something to back up the cold touches I felt after every night. "You shouldn't have found out. And if you tell her, Ianto, I swear to _God_, I will Retcon the both of you if I have to." And with that he marched away with a sweep.

I was left speechless, turning back to Gwen, who was looking up at me and could tell from what she had seen but not heard that my attempts had been fruitless. I looked at her for a moment, stuffing any emotions that were bubbling at the surface down, packaging them in cellophane and holding them back.

So that was it? That _was _it. Guess I could stop hoping. …Hoping for what? A happy ending? A picture-perfect love story? With Jack Harkness? Right.

With that knowledge, I made my way down to my work-station, using a GPS unit I had to program the location of Flat Holm into it, packaging it in the office and leaving it on Gwen's desk. If all I am to him is an employee, I thought, let's see what happens when I deliberately disobey him. (I sounded like a rebellious teenager, bloody hell.)

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

The stern look I got the next day was the only answer I received. He never mentioned the GPS, even though I knew that he knew that I had given Gwen the key to find Flat Holm. Instead of any verbal answer, that night he approached me with his shirt already unbuttoned in the tourist office. But as he forcefully spun me around and pressed me to the desk, I couldn't ignore the underlying message as he ripped my shirt from my body with a grunt: _You may think you can, but you can't ignore that I'm in control._

I was panting as Jack shoved his hands in my pants, forceful and strong, and I let my eyes flutter open to see his gazing right into mine. Time froze for a moment as I was smothered by that intense stare, that same look he'd given me the day before. _"Coming back in? Work to do."_

Suddenly, I was ducking away from him to the other end of the office, hurriedly buttoning up my shirt. He hadn't said a single word to me; he'd just stormed into my presence and asserted his power over me. It was… insulting. Jack simply looked at me for a moment before asking me, "What's wrong?"

"Stomach upset," I said as an excuse. "I'm… going back to my flat." I began shuffling around the desk to find my keys.

Jack said nothing. Still, the only word I could find for him was cold. Why was I so attached to him? Why couldn't I walk away? Why was I settling? Hadn't Jack himself been the one who said that I deserved somebody better than him? So many questions, and I couldn't find the answers with Jack still far too close to me. "Ianto," he said, not quite as sternly, but his arms were folded. What, was he actually concerned now?

"I'll see you in the morning, Jack." I grabbed my keys, looking up at him for a moment, feeling my heart falter just a little bit at the almost worried look he was giving me. No, stop it Ianto. You're dreaming. Don't get in any deeper, you're heart will surely shatter.

………

_ROMEO  
Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?  
JULIET  
Ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.  
ROMEO  
O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do;  
They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair._

………

I could imagine a perfect life with Jack and I. I did it often, the rare times I was alone in my flat without Jack.

Jack would saunter into work, see me working at my desk, and he would smile that grin that always made me melt. I would cough lightly, knowing what we had done the evening before, and that morning, and look away for a moment. He would continue to pop up throughout the day, and if he saw me frustrated he would make some immature quip and cheer me up with a light kiss to my neck. At night, gentle touches and whispered wishes would be the only thing that would be needed to make it clear what we had.

I could almost visualize the perfect moment… waking up in the morning to discover I'd slept the whole night with my head against Jack's bare chest, and Jack, seeing me stir, kissing the top of my head.

But these visions of perfection were constantly plagued by my rapidly cynical-growing consciousness. Jack rarely acknowledged me during work unless we were alone, and then it was all smothering and teasing and sexual. There was the occasional moment, yes, where we'd smile at something together, but it was as if once Jack realized we were sharing something he quickly stepped away from it. Like he was aware of what my dream was, and he was intent on keeping it from me.

Why did he keep chasing me down then? Why was it that every time we were alone he charmed me as if he knew what my dream was? Why did he keep yanking reality back into the picture? The real question was why wasn't our reality what I wanted it to be?

He doesn't love me.

It was the worst realization of my life, I think. Worse so than when Dad died. Worse than when Mom left. Worse than almost failing that science class in school. Worse than losing Lisa. Because I couldn't _really _control any of those things, not really. It was the bloody teacher's fault for making the course impossible, and I couldn't do anything to save Lisa after all, even though I tried. But maybe I was doing something wrong that made it so that Jack couldn't love me. Maybe I was the problem.

Or maybe I wasn't. Maybe Jack was right. I deserved somebody better. I hadn't done a single thing to deserve being treated this way except following and obeying and being my loyal, idiotic self.

But I'd already tried leaving Jack before. That had gone horribly. Could I do it without falling back into Jack's empty arms?

………

_JULIET  
Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.  
ROMEO  
Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take.  
[He kisses her.]  
Thus from my lips, by thine, my sin is purged._

………

What happened? I can't move. I can hardly breathe. There was an explosion… oh God. Was everybody else all right? Was I all right? Where was I? I opened my eyes to realize I was trapped underneath a huge pile of debris and bricks. It was upon this realization that my shoulder began literally screaming at me in protest. I let out a guttural scream, gripping at the dirt, different spots on my body stabbing with pain, my head spinning. I can't move… I'm trapped. Am I going to die?

"IANTO!" My head shot up at the sound of that voice. It was Jack… oh god, it was Jack… he was all right… he was coming for me. "IANTO!!!"

I cried back out to him, hoarse, too hoarsely for him to hear me; I could barely hear myself say it. "I'm here… Jack…"

I couldn't really see very well; I think I hit my head. But I saw two pairs of shoes rushing over to me, one a set of boots (Gwen) and the other Jack's…

"Are you alright, Ianto?!" I didn't respond to her; what kind of question was that?

Jack knelt down next to me, running a hand through my hair. "Ianto, don't move, alright? I'll get you out of this." I didn't move, biting on my bottom lip as I felt my shoulder throbbing more. I saw his face enter my line of vision. "Ianto, did you hear me?"

"Y-yes," I said back hoarsely, gazing into his worried eyes. I remained motionless like he commanded as he hoisted a pillar I hadn't known was on my back off of me, helping me to my feet. God my shoulder… okay, Ianto, keep it cool, deep breath, Jack's got it under contr-FUCKING HELL.

It definitely was not the most pleasant experience when Jack cracked my shoulder back into place, but I got a hold of myself quickly, thank God. More important things. "Where are the others?"

"We need your help with Toshiko." That was about all I processed at first while Jack gave orders to Gwen. Jack's hand on my chest was comforting…

Comforting? I turned to look at Jack, who was also looking at me. I hadn't even processed that Gwen was already gone.

"You okay?" I just looked at him for a moment before nodding. He patted me on the back, ushering me along. But his hand remained on my back. "I thought for a second I'd lost you," he muttered.

I looked back at him, already regaining strength in my stride as he made our way through the rubble. "Would you miss me?"

He looked up at me, pausing, just looking at me for what felt like an eternity. I didn't notice that we'd stopped walking until he leaned in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. I was left speechless for a moment before he began ushering me along again. "Come on, we need to hurry. Tosh could be crushed any second."

That was enough to distract me from that kiss for a moment. But it didn't stop me from thinking about what kind of an answer that was. Was that a 'yes'?

………

_JULIET  
Then have my lips the sin that they have took.  
ROMEO  
Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!  
Give me my sin again. [They kiss again.]  
JULIET  
You kiss by th' book._

………

Nothing would ever be the same anymore. Nothing could keep going, not after this. I could still see Tosh, lying there in Jack's arms, smiling broadly as the light left her eyes... And Owen… who knows what he experienced, watching his own body decompose…

Oh dear God.

I completed all of the necessary protocol, going with Gwen to both of their flats and packing up everything. Their lives, all packed in boxes, stored away in our garage of sorts, alongside who-knows-how-many Torchwood 3 operatives.

Just another two souls lost to our line of work.

I was trying to be strong, especially when I was with Gwen. She was collapsing, a complete mess. But I also wanted to show Jack that I could do it, that I could handle anything he was to throw at me.

It was freezing outside, out on the bay. I leaned against the railing, staring out at the crashing waters, the noises of the waves falling deaf on my ears. The crest of each wave crashed back down into the water, disappearing. I tried not to connect their brief lives in Torchwood with each crest of the waves, but I couldn't help it.

I didn't notice Jack walking out of the office and walking over to me. He leaned against the railing beside me, looking out at the water with me. I glanced at him for a moment to acknowledge his presence, but I said nothing else. I didn't know what to say.

Jack reached over, placing his hand on mine on the railing. "You're freezing."

I pulled my hand away, pulling my coat close around me. "I could die tomorrow, Jack."

He didn't know what to say. I don't know what I would have said to that, either.

"I could get caught by a gun shot, or sucked up by the rift, or…" I looked over at him. "…I don't know how much time I have."

Jack nodded. "That's why we do all we can. Now."

I nodded with him. "Right. We don't wait." I felt a sudden surge of emotion leaping up from my stomach up to my throat. I knew what my stomach was telling me to say, but I didn't want to listen to it. I wanted to believe that all of this would change everything between Jack and I, that we would have our fairytale perfection that I dreamed about. But that isn't what the past few days had taught me. They'd taught me that I couldn't waste a moment. "That's why I can't… see you anymore Jack."

Jack's eyes widened, spinning around to face me. "Ianto-"

I shook my head at him. "I can't waste another moment of my life on you, Jack Harkness." I stuffed my hands in the pockets of my heavy coat. "I… don't think I'll be in work tomorrow. I'll be in Monday."

I wasn't sure how to interpret Jack's reaction to all of this. He looked sad, looked like he didn't want me to do this. "Ianto…" He paused, as if he expected me to interrupt him, but when I didn't, he was left speechless. He looked away, leaning back against the railing.

So I continued. "Jack, I don't know what you even think I am to you. But I'm here, telling you now… I'm worth more than that." I adjusted my coat, turning around and beginning to walk away.

I don't know if Jack knew I heard what he said next: "You are." But he didn't come after me, didn't chase after me, didn't prove me wrong. He let me walk away, and he didn't put up a second of resistance.

I was right. He knew what I was worth, and it was more than a casual fuck. I wasn't going to lower myself just so that I could dream.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

**AN: All done. Hooray! Ianto left Jack. Be happy. Or very sad if you're a fangirl. I dunno, I'm kinda sad. (Obviously, we know they get back together, cause CoE has them dating. Duh.) Next chapter will be out soonish, once I pick an inspiring song. Something about being INDEPENDANT. xD  
**


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